This picture is haunting to me and I’ve debated whether to share it because I don’t like sounding like a crazy person. Most of you know me though so “crazy” isn’t so bad a title when I’m described by some I guess.

This was the morning when we found out that something was wrong with Cara and our lives changed about 45 mins after this picture was taken.

This was just us, waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s before our last ultrasound at the end of Jen’s 35th week. Me being a goofball said “Hey Jen, put this magazine under your shirt, it’ll be funny”.

For those who can’t see, it’s a magazine with a baby in the womb on the cover. In this picture the baby’s hand is covering her head which is covered by Jen’s shirt.

Now knowing what we didn’t know then, that her brain never developed and this friggin’ tumor did and was inside her the whole time since week 18 or so… it’s sickening to me looking at this picture.

It hurts me that our baby girl was growing and that we were so happy just waiting. We had gone back and forth about having a baby together for so many years (with me being the dumbass that wanted to wait or was unsure for stupid reasons). Jen didn’t deserve that and I’m so sorry honey…

I’m so angry that this happened to you, to us and to Cara. I’m so thankful she wasn’t in any pain that we could see or feel and I hate that she wasn’t healed and that the tumor kept growing. I’m not angry at God or the universe, I’m just angry.

Some pictures of her I look at and wonder if the 10% of a brain she had let her know us and our family and friends and all the love that was there for her and the hope that was in her corner. I wonder at others if she was “feeling” pain even if wasn’t being relayed, if the pressure causing her eyes to drop was hurting her, the moving, the lifting, the diaper changes…

I’m glad we are able to share her story and see others impacted, but I just want her back.

I regret waiting so long to say “let’s do it, let’s have a baby together!” I regret taking this picture for irrational reasons so part of me I guess, wanted to get it out there to release it from my being.

To see that tumor grow so much in weeks and see our little girl have zero ability to do anything about has such a demoralizing feeling. I guess we’ll just have to take it hour by hour going forward for the next 50 years or so. Seems like a test no one should be expected to pass.

We have each other though and our family is strong. Jen and I have our faith and that is strong (enough) thankfully. It’s not 100% for me, but strong enough. It’s real to me though and keeps me moving forward.

I remember standing over Cara at the viewing by myself with the crowd of visitors behind me and just telling God, “dude, just bring her back right now and I’ll travel the world telling people about.” I was picturing women fainting and family screaming in disbelief and joy.

It was the craziest yet most sincere thought I’ve had in my life. I miss you baby and dumb Facebook is the way I’ve found to voice some of my thoughts. Stupid social media… Like Cara actually see my stupid Facebook posts 

❤️🐻 Cara’s Purpose